Sunday, April 22, 2007
I'm so glad I have you blogger friends. I wish you all lived close to me so we could hang out and bitch to each other. It's so weird, reading all of your blogs, I really feel like I "know" you, even though we've never actually met.
Okay, so back to hubby. Didn't hear from him all day Friday, and just had a sour stomach all day with worry. I was supposed to go to my neighbor's house at 3 to hang out and drink some wine, which I did, and it was fun, but hubby was constantly on the back of my mind, especially as the time passed. Finally around 7 I decided I just needed to go to town and look for him. My friend, Jen, is so great, she helped so much, being supportive and keeping Chickadee for me. She bathed her and everything so that she'd be ready for bed when we got back. So I went to town (remember, it's 30 minute drive) and went to places where hubby might be, the bars, campus, work, couldn't find him anywhere. I finally gave up and decided to just head home, when I ended up behind him on the road. ANd watched as he threw a cigarette out the window. Argh. So I was wildly honking and waving to let him know I was behind him, so he pulled over in a gas station and I just let him have it. I don't even remember now what I said, but he got the point. He of course said he was still upset by our big argument and how I said I wanted out, blah blah. Not a good fucking excuse. So we went home, got the babe, put her to bed, and talked. Yesterday was good. Today has been good. I went to a scrap yesterday while hubby worked on our basement with my dad. He and I met up for a late dinner on my way home, and had a good time talking and laughing. Came home and really made up (I think my dad heard us, oops). Then today we've been getting along and laughing and joking. So for now, it's much better. Thanks for everyone's concern. I have more to write about, but I have to be somewhere soon.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Hubby didn't come home last night. He called around 7 to say that he was going to go work on a lab. Great, I didn't care since he called. I somehow got the impression he's be leaving for home about an hour later. Well, it's noon the next day and hubby never came home. Never called. His phone is off. He used to do this quite a bit, but he KNOWS that it's unacceptable. We'll see when he drags his ass home today. I was up all night, worried, waiting for the police to call, or for them to bring him home like last time. I'm not as worried about that now, because by noon the next day, they'd have called, right? He probably got caught up in school work and it got late so he stayed at someone's house. BUT HE DOESN'T THINK ABOUT HOW IT AFFECTS ME! Sometimes I hate my life.
I dreamt I had sex with the man down the street that likes me. Is that bad? I think it's just a reaction to being upset with hubby, but it kind of freaked me out. Because I liked it. I was also being chased by a resurrected bull. What the hell does that mean?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We were supposed to "talk" last night, but then hubby decided he didn't want to talk. I wanted to work on one thing at a time, but he kept turning things around. For instance, I brought up what I feel is the root of this whole thing, his drinking, and then he'd say, "well you can't get so angry and throw things." Okay, I understand that. I understand that I have a temper and I get out of control (did I mention I threw a fork at him? A fork covered in egg salad that I'm still finding EVERYWHERE), but I wanted to work on one thing at a time. He just couldn't understand that. So we didn't get anywhere. Then he wants to just act like everything is okay. I can't do that! I need to fix this before I can go back to being normal.
Enough of that, let's move onto something else depressing. I got an email last night from my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) who lives about 2 hours from us, in a very urban city. They live in this
classy neighborhood just a few blocks from what I guess could be classified as the hood. Two nights ago, their cat was attacked and killed by a pack of wild dogs! Their neighbor heard them around 2am and tried to shoot the dogs with a pellet gun. What the hell? Wild dogs? In the city? I could understand something like that around here, out in the middle of buttfuck USA, but not where they live. Craziness. So I was already upset last night, then I got that email and started sobbing. That cat, Bumps, was the nicest cat, so sweet and loving, I just imagine how scared he must have been and how much pain he must of been in and it makes me cry all over again. It doesn't help that their dog was hit and killed by a car in December of 2005, in front of their house. I think they've decided to tell my 5 year old niece that the cat ran away, but my SIL is afraid that she'll wonder why the cat abandoned them, if he'll come back, etc.
Labels: cats, hubby
Monday, April 16, 2007
Having HUGE issues with hubby right now. I'm so so so mad at him I can't even see straight. But I don't want to get into it because it'll make me upset to type it up, I'm going to post some of the chat I had with Georgia. Sorry if it's confusing.
I'm just so fed up with his behavior. He still comes home every night and I can smell alcohol on him, so I got pissed. Last night we had a huge fight. I threw a fork at him, then he acts like it's all my fault because I threw the fork. Missed him, unfortunately. So I go to bed without saying anything else to him. Today we were civil.I had an appt with (pysychiatrist-georgia and I have the same one) so I left him at home with chickadee and went and enjoyed some ME time. Got my ear pierced. Spent way too much money, then came home, although there were tons more things I could have done but I feel familial obligations to be home, where he doesn't. So I get home and tell him that I started crying at (the dr's) and I wanted to have a decent conversation with him about the drinking but of course he says that's not really my problem, I'm jsut depressed in general. So we get into it again. Pisses me SO MUCH. Sure, it's hard to be at home alone with a kid but for the most part I'm happy. I get lonely, but oh well. It's the waiting for hubby to get home, not knowing when he'll be home because he never is home when he says he will be, wondering if he's been drinking, if he's been arrested, if he's been in an accident, he NEVER answers his phone, and he just displaces it all , says that's not my problem, but that I'm just depressed. He actually called me insane and bi-polar. HE DOESN"T GET IT!!!! So finally I told him to leave. At first he's all, no, i'm not leaving, but then he did decide to go. I told him if he left that when he got home tomorrow nihgt we'd be gone. I told him I wanted a divorce unless he cleaned up his act. He doesn't believe me, he thinks it's an empty threat. I don't want a divorce, really, but I can't keep doing this. I'm too young to be this miserable. There are other men out there who would treat me a million times better. But I just feel stuck. I told him if I had the money, I'd leave him and he said, oh, you're using me for my money?Puh-leez. What money? It's all loans. But there's Chickadee. I told him I didn't want her to always associate his smell with alcohol.
UGh. I'm so tired of crying and being upset. Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable? To ask that my husband not drink everyday? I really don't think it's unreasonable. And trust me, I'm not bi-polar. Maybe a little crazy, but that's not always a bad thing. I know what bi-polar is, I'd be able to recognize that. I don't go way up and way down. It just infuriates me that he says these things. Now, I'm not especially nice to him, but he really hurt me, and honestly, I'm glad he's gone. I just don't know what to do at this point. I really and truly love him. He's a wonderful person, a great dad who ADORES chickadee, but he just can't see how his actions affect us, affect our relationship. It's been this way ever since we moved here, 2 years ago. I'm just really at a loss right now.
Anyway, here's my cool new earring. The picture rocks, doesn't it? I took it myself, surprise surprise. I love the double chin, and I'm wearing my glasses because my contacts are all gunky from crying. Mmm. Anyway, it's the rook, or the top earring. The other I've had for years. This new one? It really hurt.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Has anyone watched that new show, Notes From the Underbelly? I really enjoyed it, although my husband never acted like hers.
I got a call today from a local scrapbook store, with a message to call them back. I was hoping that they needed someone part time to work, as I've talked to the owner about that possibility, since she brings her little girl to work. So I call back. I WON! I don't even remember entering any contests, but I won a free 36 hour crop in the next large town next weekend. Woohoo! How cool is that? So I've been frantically arranging things so that I can go. I've never won anything ever. My dad was supposed to come out that weekend and help hubby with the basement, as hubby has the weekend off, so I talked to my dad to tell him what's going on and he's cool with whatever. I think what I'll do is go Saturday morning, it's about a 50 minute drive, leave chickadee with hubby, then my dad will come out in the afternoon sometime and chickadee will go to my friend's house up the street until the evening. Then I'll come home at some point (hubby and dad aren't super close. They might want me there to intervene) Saturday evening. My dad had even talked at one point about watching chickadee so hubby and I could go on a date, but I'm not too concerned about that. I'd rather scrapbook!
The interview at the daycare center was this morning. All I can really say? Wow. I pull up to this adorable old tiny house in this tiny town about 12 miles from us. Go in and meet the lady and she shows me around. The first thing I notice is how clean everything is. All the toys are put away even though there's a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Come to find out, this lady is like super nazi. She was really nice, but very strict. Stay on the carpet, off of the tile. Put that chair down. Don't touch that. Etc. Etc. And the kids listened. I was rather impressed, although it seemed a tad nitpicky to me. So we talk, look at the schedule, go through the pay rate, turns out that I would have to pay for Chickadee to go to this daycare, as it's staterun. So take that out of the $6 an hour, and that would leave me making about $4.33 an hour. And I was still willing to do it! The money would add up and help, chickadee could interact with other kids, and I could get out a few hours a week. I keep watching as this lady does her thing, trying to keep chickadee happy. She didn't get her morning nap, and it was almost lunch time so she was getting pretty cranky. Saw a high chair and kept trying to get in it and crying. The woman offered to feed chickadee lunch while I filled out the application, so I said sure, why not. She sat the 3 girls at the table, and the 2 regulars sat quietly with their hands in their laps. Chickadee? Not so much. Picking up her fork and her spoon, twisting around. She normally is strapped into a booster, not allowed to sit in a chair, so that was new for her. Then after they were allowed to start eating, chickadee ate all of her fruit, then threw her tortilla on the floor. It was some kind of ham and cheese wrap which was fine, but she doesn't eat big things like that. We still cut up her food into bite size pieces because she doesn't have all of her teeth and can't chew that well. She didn't know what to do with this thing so she does what she always does when she doesn't want it. Throws it on the floor. Well this really pissed the lady off, she grabbed chickadee and strapped her into a high chair. Chickadee of course gets really upset and starts screaming bloody murder, straining around and pointing to me, and I'm just standing there, not really sure what to do. Should I let this woman discipline my child? She'll have to learn if we'll be here everyday, but this seems a little intense. The woman tried to talk to Chickadee, but c was having none of it, just screaming and crying. We decided I should leave the room and see if Chickadee would calm down, so I went and stood in the living room. I think Chickadee calmed down somewhat, but you cannot reason with an 18 month old. It doesn't work. She kept hearing my voice since I was greeting people as they came in for the second shift, so after what seemed like forever I went back in and rescued my baby. She was crying so hard she was hiccuping, something I remember doing as a child, but she has never done before. Poor baby. Don't get me wrong, I discipline my child and she has limits, but come on! What 18 month is going to sit still with their hands in their laps? What 18 month old is going to clean up after themselves? This is stuff we can work on, but I'm not going to be too upset if it doesn't work. She's a BABY for fucks sake.
Oh, this woman also went to pour milk into cups and I told her Chickadee doesn't drink milk. Her response? If she ate here, she'd have to drink milk. Yeah, good luck lady. I've been trying to get her to drink milk since we stopped nursing, but she will not drink it. It's not that I don't WANT her to, she just won't and I can't force it down her throat. She also gave her a cup with a straw, and I said she uses sippy cups. Why? Because I don't want to constantly be mopping drinks off of my floor. She can use a straw, but they leak. I like sippy cups. The lady tells me that sippy cups delay speech development because it strengthens the front of their mouth and not the back. I'd never heard that line of bullshit before, although she said she researched it on the internet. When I got home I looked it up and the only thing I could find said that theory is a load of crap. So Chickadee will continue to use a sippy cup. She talks up a storm, saying more and more new words everyday. I think my doctor or parents as teachers lady or our nutritionist would have mentioned something, but I guess this lady from the sticks knew all. Okay, now that I write this I'm starting to get a little mad. So we decided it probably wouldn't work out, as chickadee wouldn't listen to this lady with me around, the pay sucked, etc. Long story short, I didn't get a job.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I might get a job. This is totally spur of the moment decision making, but that's how I tend to operate. I get an idea in my head and don't think of anything else for awhile, then get over it and move on. But for the job, I saw an ad in the paper for a part time daycare worker in a small town about 10 miles from us. It's a way for some extra money, since we're living off loans and that's really
scary. I also have started helping out my neighbor, her company puts together bull semen collectors to sell to vets. For every 100 it's $6.50. It's something I can do in front of the tv, and can do about 300 a night. It's not a ton of money, but it's something. So anyway, saw this ad in the paper and debated whether or not to call. Called last night and the woman I needed to talk to wasn't there, so I left a message. She called this morning, and I didn't answer the phone. Why? I don't know, not sure if this is something I really want to do. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. After going to school for 17 some odd years, and having tons of different jobs, I couldn't wait to just stay home and raise my babies. Until now that I'm doing it. I get bored. Easily. And it's not like I can do the things that make me happy, like read, scrapbook, play on the computer, because chickadee demands more attention. Which is fine, she's the important thing right now. But I saw the ad and started thinking, well, maybe I could do this and be able to take Chickadee with me. I called the lady back awhile ago, and I liked her immediately. Friendly, funny, down to earth. She said she thought it would be okay (within regulations) to bring chickadee with me. The hours would be 12-6 Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Don't know the pay, but basically I'd get paid to let Chickadee play with other kids. That was the other thing, I thought it would be great if Chickadee could be around other kids and get used to them. She's so used to being by herself with me, she gets mad if I pick up other kids and she needs to get over that. So, maybe this is a good idea? I'm still not sure. But maybe between these two things, I could cover rent each month and that would ease our worries about student loans. I have a meeting with the lady on Friday, I'll go check the place out and see how I feel about it. I guess I could always take it and then quit if it doesn't work, but I hate to do that to people. I know how hard it is to find and hire people, so I don't want to be more of a burden to anyone. We'll see.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
And then there was this...
I don't know why I feel like I have to have a TOPIC! when I post, otherwise I feel like I shouldn't write anything. Hell, I'm only writing it for myself, who cares if it's boring as hell?
It's been such bad weather this past week. I don't get it. It's April, it was so nice, dressed chickadee in adorable tiny shorts, myself in not so adorable shorts, went to the park, the zoo, our front yard, on lots of walks, we were loving it. Chickadee was getting out of the house, I was getting some exercise, my flowers were blooming, and then...coldness. Snow and rain. My flowers are now dead and I've had to pull out the sweaters and put away the self-tanner. Such a tease.
I just spent $70 at toysrus.com on some clearance toys. A really cute talking vanity, Cranium and a my little pony toy. I can't give them to Chickadee for a few years, but saving more than 50% on them? Totally worth it. I LOVE getting her toys, especially when it's something I would have adored as a child and never got. I wish I had tons of money to buy her lots of cool stuff, like playhouses for the yard. I think those are so cool. I can't wait to spoil (in moderation) her with dolls and doll houses, dress up stuff, all that fun stuff, and with my luck she'll only want to play with balls and be a tomboy.
Today is Georgia's daughter's birthday. Her daughter that died 3 years ago. I've been feeling rather put off by her lately, so I wasn't sure what to do today, but I knew as a friend I couldn't ignore it. She doesn't want people to ignore it. So I just sent her an e-card and said I was thinking of her, and to call if she needed anything. She called awhile after she got it to thank me, which I appreciated. I don't know what to do about her, I always feel like I'm tiptoeing through our friendship, afraid of whether or not she'll be happy or not. I've decided to let it go. If she wants to continue this, she'll have to start making the effort. I'm starting to feel like I'm the girl chasing the boy, and why the hell should I feel like that? I'm 26 years old, aren't we supposed to be mature adults by this point?
I'm so tired today, I took 2 naps. I know my "friend" should be visiting tomorrow, for which I just. can't. wait. My diet has been shot to hell because all I want to do is eat Easter candy, I cry at the drop of a hat and I'm soooooooooo tired. Yesterday I was listening to the Dixie Chicks newest album, and was holding chickadee. She is usually grumpy after her afternoon nap and likes to be held for awhile, so I was dancing around with her on my shoulder and just realized how much I love her and how lucky I was to have her and of course started crying. I'm such a dork.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Tagged by Erin, not sure if I like this one or not, it's too vague. Means I actually have to think. List 5 things I've never before mentioned on this blog. Well, since it's a relatively new blog, that should be easy, right?
1) I have huge issues with my weight. I'm constantly unhappy with it, and go up and down about 40 pounds. I'm okay right now with where I'm at. Having the baby was a really easy way of gaining 50 pounds, but it took FOREVER (18 months) to get it off. I was bulemic at one point in my life, took metabolife for awhile, it's a never ending battle. It had a lot to do with how my mom dealt with weight. She was 5' 7" and never weighed more than 130 pounds, EVEN WHILE PREGNANT! I remember being about 9 and she told me that I had bigger thighs than she did. I was 9!!! Who does that? And on and on through my teen years, making comments on when I gained freshman 15 (or 20). Finally when I was 22 or so, I told her that when I had my own daughters, my mother could NEVER say anything to them about their weight, no matter what. Because I had been bulemic from my parent's pressure. Her response, "well you're not anymore are you?" She never said anything else about it, but to this day my dad hasn't said a word (he was almost as bad as my mom), except to say that I look good after losing the baby weight. I kind of wish my mom and I could have worked that out before she died, but I'm glad I was able to tell her how much it hurt me. And the thing is, I've never been really big (except for pregnancy, of course). I'm 5'7" and the most I ever weighed was 160. That's not huge.
2)I pull my eyebrows and eyelashes out. It's a disease, trychotylomania or something like that. It started my senior year of college, I was stressed about finals and taking metabolife, and I think the ephedra in that started it. I'm able to do it somewhat discreetly now, but at first I'd be missing huge chunks of hair. I'm working with my therapist, so hopefully I can stop. It's annoying! I go through so many eyebrow pencils a year!
3)I'm not ready to have another baby. At all. The idea scares me. I'm not sure if it's the thought of 2 little ones, or the fact that my husband is really driving me nuts.
4)If I had money, I would leave my husband. I know I've blogged about the crap he does, but I don't think I've ever said how unhappy I am. I'm really unhappy. I love him, but I don't love what he does.
5)I love cats. I have 4 of them. I miss them as much as I miss my child when I'm away. Ok, not quite that much, but quite a bit.
I tried to make 5 somewhat cheery since for some reason the others were really depressing. It turned out to just be sad. Sad and pathetic. I'm that crazy cat lady.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
I've been having more attacks this week, at least one everyday. God, I hate this. They make me feel so...discombobulated. Out of sorts. I had one today at Georgia's house, and I just felt like crap after. Took chickadee home and we both took a nap. I also took some x@nax and feel better now. I looked up seizures online, and there is such a thing as a petite seizure, where the person doesn't black out but is instead perfectly conscious. They also see images or get strange sensations. Thats' EXACTLY what happens to me. Why can't anyone figure this out? Hopefully my appointment with my mom's doc will help, but it's not til July.
Other fun medical news, my husband had an anal thrombosis this week. Basically a GIGANTIC hemerroid, it looked like a huge scrotum on his ass. He was in so much pain he couldn't walk, and I finally made him go the the university's health center. The doctor wouldn't pop it because it was too big, and just gave him some codeine. That same night hubby was in the bathroom (this is really nasty) and it popped. All over the floor. GROSS. So all yesterday he laid around and tried not to bleed on stuff. I tried to get him to wear one of my maxi pads, but no, he wouldn't do it. We called the doc yesterday to make sure it was okay that it popped, and the first thing that the doc said when he called back was "I heard your butt exploded! that's wonderful!" I had to laugh my ass off at that, and also when hubby was leaving a message for the doc with the receptionist, how he didn't know how to tell her what had happened. He swears she was trying not to laugh as well.
Hubby said he's be home at 7. It's 9. Should I really be surprised?