Monday, April 16, 2007
Having HUGE issues with hubby right now. I'm so so so mad at him I can't even see straight. But I don't want to get into it because it'll make me upset to type it up, I'm going to post some of the chat I had with Georgia. Sorry if it's confusing.
I'm just so fed up with his behavior. He still comes home every night and I can smell alcohol on him, so I got pissed. Last night we had a huge fight. I threw a fork at him, then he acts like it's all my fault because I threw the fork. Missed him, unfortunately. So I go to bed without saying anything else to him. Today we were civil.I had an appt with (pysychiatrist-georgia and I have the same one) so I left him at home with chickadee and went and enjoyed some ME time. Got my ear pierced. Spent way too much money, then came home, although there were tons more things I could have done but I feel familial obligations to be home, where he doesn't. So I get home and tell him that I started crying at (the dr's) and I wanted to have a decent conversation with him about the drinking but of course he says that's not really my problem, I'm jsut depressed in general. So we get into it again. Pisses me SO MUCH. Sure, it's hard to be at home alone with a kid but for the most part I'm happy. I get lonely, but oh well. It's the waiting for hubby to get home, not knowing when he'll be home because he never is home when he says he will be, wondering if he's been drinking, if he's been arrested, if he's been in an accident, he NEVER answers his phone, and he just displaces it all , says that's not my problem, but that I'm just depressed. He actually called me insane and bi-polar. HE DOESN"T GET IT!!!! So finally I told him to leave. At first he's all, no, i'm not leaving, but then he did decide to go. I told him if he left that when he got home tomorrow nihgt we'd be gone. I told him I wanted a divorce unless he cleaned up his act. He doesn't believe me, he thinks it's an empty threat. I don't want a divorce, really, but I can't keep doing this. I'm too young to be this miserable. There are other men out there who would treat me a million times better. But I just feel stuck. I told him if I had the money, I'd leave him and he said, oh, you're using me for my money?Puh-leez. What money? It's all loans. But there's Chickadee. I told him I didn't want her to always associate his smell with alcohol.
UGh. I'm so tired of crying and being upset. Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable? To ask that my husband not drink everyday? I really don't think it's unreasonable. And trust me, I'm not bi-polar. Maybe a little crazy, but that's not always a bad thing. I know what bi-polar is, I'd be able to recognize that. I don't go way up and way down. It just infuriates me that he says these things. Now, I'm not especially nice to him, but he really hurt me, and honestly, I'm glad he's gone. I just don't know what to do at this point. I really and truly love him. He's a wonderful person, a great dad who ADORES chickadee, but he just can't see how his actions affect us, affect our relationship. It's been this way ever since we moved here, 2 years ago. I'm just really at a loss right now.
Anyway, here's my cool new earring. The picture rocks, doesn't it? I took it myself, surprise surprise. I love the double chin, and I'm wearing my glasses because my contacts are all gunky from crying. Mmm. Anyway, it's the rook, or the top earring. The other I've had for years. This new one? It really hurt.