Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I was at Georgia's house today, and she was telling me about this hot doctor she saw that morning (both of our kids have been sick; puking and diarrea. She's taken her son to the hospital THREE TIMES! Each time they sent her home).
Georgia: "He was really hot. He looked like that guy on Super Nanny the other night."
Me: "So he was Italian?"
Georgia: "No, oriental, I think."
Me: "You mean Asian?"
Georgia: "Yeah, whatever. He didn't look American."
Me: stunned silence
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
How has it been almost a month? Man, that time flew by. Since the weather has been so nice, I don't like to stay home and get on the computer. I'd rather take Chickadee outside, or to the park, or to a friend's house. My in-laws were also here for almost 2 weeks, and the computer is in their room, so I didn't get on much then either. I really feel like I'm missing out on so much though and all my blogger friends. They probably all feel like I don't like their blogs anymore because I don't comment very much, but I do go and read all the posts, even if it's been a few days.
Sidenote-I just heard Chickadee asking for another slice of "chee!" and before I could get to the kitchen I heard the sound of the sharp knife scraping along the cutting board. I left the knife close enough to the edge that she could reach it! I ran as fast as I could yelling "no," but it excited her so much she started to wildly wave the knife around and then throw it. Yikes.
Things have not been going so well with hubby. Surprise surprise. I can say that Mother's Day was the worst fucking day. Ever. I don't really feel like writing it all right now, but eventually I will. Maybe. We did go to our first session of couple's therapy yesterday, and I really hope that helps. Hubby admitted readily that he has not been acting responsibly, I hope he remembers that and acts like he should. The thing about mother's day though is that everyone asks me how it was. It sucks to begin with because my mom has only been gone for 2.5 years, so that's still fresh, then to have to lie about how my own day was due to hubby...it all just sucked.
I've been hanging out with Georgia a lot lately and we've become really close. It's a little odd since we are completely opposite, we have completely different tastes in clothes, decoration, views on politics, child rearing, etc. We just click though, and I think she's at a pretty needy stage in her life, being away from all of her family and having a husband in Iraq. She's a good friend to me, feeds me all the time, gives me things randomly, calls everyday. It's nice to have someone like that around.
I've been tagged by Erin
, and I love doing things like this, so here goes
INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.
2) A Lifetime
3) The Life & Times of a First Time Stay at Home Mom
4) Life as we know it...
5) Go Normal Girl
Next select five people to tag: (if you haven’t done it already & if you don't want to, it's cool)--Yeah, uh, no one reads this so I can't really tag anyone.
1)Girl From Florida
2) A Day in the life of a mum to 4
What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was just finishing up my junior year in highschool, ready to start my second year lifeguarding, and just started dating this guy named Justin. I still think about Justin. He treated me so well, and I can't say the same for myself.
What were you doing 1 year ago?
Taking care of a 7 month old. Being depressed about my weight? Oh, and we went to Nauvoo, IL with hubby's family.
Five snacks you enjoy:
1). Chips. Basically any kind. Lately it's been Lay's Flour chips with their spinach dip.
2). Fresh green beans with hummus.
4). Cookies (I try not to keep any in the house for that reason)
5). Dr. Pepper berries n' cream. I feel like that's a snack because I usually ONLY drink diet coke, but that stuff is so damn good.
Five songs that you know all the lyrics: (too many to really list, but these are some faves).
2). Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap
3). All Dixie Chicks songs
4). Ms. Jackson-Outkast
5). Ice Ice Baby-Vanilla Ice
Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1). Pay off hubby's student loans and whatever family members have debtwise.
2). Invest invest invest.
3). Buy a 4 door car.
4). Hire personal trainer/housekeeper
5). Get rid of our crappy old furniture and buy some decent stuff.
Five bad habits:
1). Picking my eyebrows/lashes. Although it's getting better with my new meds.
2). Throwing things when I'm angry. I'm also working on that.
3). Worrying about my weight so much.
4). Spending too much money.
5). Waiting until ALL the clothes in the house are dirty and then doing tons of laundry all at once.
Five things you like doing: (Besides spending time with my daughter)
4). watching tv
5). hanging out with the girls
Five things you would never wear again:
1). rolled jeans. eww.
2). shoulder pads
4). acid washed denim
5). teased bangs
Five favorite toys:
4). car? We can't afford many toys...
Sunday, April 22, 2007
I'm so glad I have you blogger friends. I wish you all lived close to me so we could hang out and bitch to each other. It's so weird, reading all of your blogs, I really feel like I "know" you, even though we've never actually met.
Okay, so back to hubby. Didn't hear from him all day Friday, and just had a sour stomach all day with worry. I was supposed to go to my neighbor's house at 3 to hang out and drink some wine, which I did, and it was fun, but hubby was constantly on the back of my mind, especially as the time passed. Finally around 7 I decided I just needed to go to town and look for him. My friend, Jen, is so great, she helped so much, being supportive and keeping Chickadee for me. She bathed her and everything so that she'd be ready for bed when we got back. So I went to town (remember, it's 30 minute drive) and went to places where hubby might be, the bars, campus, work, couldn't find him anywhere. I finally gave up and decided to just head home, when I ended up behind him on the road. ANd watched as he threw a cigarette out the window. Argh. So I was wildly honking and waving to let him know I was behind him, so he pulled over in a gas station and I just let him have it. I don't even remember now what I said, but he got the point. He of course said he was still upset by our big argument and how I said I wanted out, blah blah. Not a good fucking excuse. So we went home, got the babe, put her to bed, and talked. Yesterday was good. Today has been good. I went to a scrap yesterday while hubby worked on our basement with my dad. He and I met up for a late dinner on my way home, and had a good time talking and laughing. Came home and really made up (I think my dad heard us, oops). Then today we've been getting along and laughing and joking. So for now, it's much better. Thanks for everyone's concern. I have more to write about, but I have to be somewhere soon.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Hubby didn't come home last night. He called around 7 to say that he was going to go work on a lab. Great, I didn't care since he called. I somehow got the impression he's be leaving for home about an hour later. Well, it's noon the next day and hubby never came home. Never called. His phone is off. He used to do this quite a bit, but he KNOWS that it's unacceptable. We'll see when he drags his ass home today. I was up all night, worried, waiting for the police to call, or for them to bring him home like last time. I'm not as worried about that now, because by noon the next day, they'd have called, right? He probably got caught up in school work and it got late so he stayed at someone's house. BUT HE DOESN'T THINK ABOUT HOW IT AFFECTS ME! Sometimes I hate my life.
I dreamt I had sex with the man down the street that likes me. Is that bad? I think it's just a reaction to being upset with hubby, but it kind of freaked me out. Because I liked it. I was also being chased by a resurrected bull. What the hell does that mean?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We were supposed to "talk" last night, but then hubby decided he didn't want to talk. I wanted to work on one thing at a time, but he kept turning things around. For instance, I brought up what I feel is the root of this whole thing, his drinking, and then he'd say, "well you can't get so angry and throw things." Okay, I understand that. I understand that I have a temper and I get out of control (did I mention I threw a fork at him? A fork covered in egg salad that I'm still finding EVERYWHERE), but I wanted to work on one thing at a time. He just couldn't understand that. So we didn't get anywhere. Then he wants to just act like everything is okay. I can't do that! I need to fix this before I can go back to being normal.
Enough of that, let's move onto something else depressing. I got an email last night from my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) who lives about 2 hours from us, in a very urban city. They live in this
classy neighborhood just a few blocks from what I guess could be classified as the hood. Two nights ago, their cat was attacked and killed by a pack of wild dogs! Their neighbor heard them around 2am and tried to shoot the dogs with a pellet gun. What the hell? Wild dogs? In the city? I could understand something like that around here, out in the middle of buttfuck USA, but not where they live. Craziness. So I was already upset last night, then I got that email and started sobbing. That cat, Bumps, was the nicest cat, so sweet and loving, I just imagine how scared he must have been and how much pain he must of been in and it makes me cry all over again. It doesn't help that their dog was hit and killed by a car in December of 2005, in front of their house. I think they've decided to tell my 5 year old niece that the cat ran away, but my SIL is afraid that she'll wonder why the cat abandoned them, if he'll come back, etc.
Labels: cats, hubby
Monday, April 16, 2007
Having HUGE issues with hubby right now. I'm so so so mad at him I can't even see straight. But I don't want to get into it because it'll make me upset to type it up, I'm going to post some of the chat I had with Georgia. Sorry if it's confusing.
I'm just so fed up with his behavior. He still comes home every night and I can smell alcohol on him, so I got pissed. Last night we had a huge fight. I threw a fork at him, then he acts like it's all my fault because I threw the fork. Missed him, unfortunately. So I go to bed without saying anything else to him. Today we were civil.I had an appt with (pysychiatrist-georgia and I have the same one) so I left him at home with chickadee and went and enjoyed some ME time. Got my ear pierced. Spent way too much money, then came home, although there were tons more things I could have done but I feel familial obligations to be home, where he doesn't. So I get home and tell him that I started crying at (the dr's) and I wanted to have a decent conversation with him about the drinking but of course he says that's not really my problem, I'm jsut depressed in general. So we get into it again. Pisses me SO MUCH. Sure, it's hard to be at home alone with a kid but for the most part I'm happy. I get lonely, but oh well. It's the waiting for hubby to get home, not knowing when he'll be home because he never is home when he says he will be, wondering if he's been drinking, if he's been arrested, if he's been in an accident, he NEVER answers his phone, and he just displaces it all , says that's not my problem, but that I'm just depressed. He actually called me insane and bi-polar. HE DOESN"T GET IT!!!! So finally I told him to leave. At first he's all, no, i'm not leaving, but then he did decide to go. I told him if he left that when he got home tomorrow nihgt we'd be gone. I told him I wanted a divorce unless he cleaned up his act. He doesn't believe me, he thinks it's an empty threat. I don't want a divorce, really, but I can't keep doing this. I'm too young to be this miserable. There are other men out there who would treat me a million times better. But I just feel stuck. I told him if I had the money, I'd leave him and he said, oh, you're using me for my money?Puh-leez. What money? It's all loans. But there's Chickadee. I told him I didn't want her to always associate his smell with alcohol.
UGh. I'm so tired of crying and being upset. Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable? To ask that my husband not drink everyday? I really don't think it's unreasonable. And trust me, I'm not bi-polar. Maybe a little crazy, but that's not always a bad thing. I know what bi-polar is, I'd be able to recognize that. I don't go way up and way down. It just infuriates me that he says these things. Now, I'm not especially nice to him, but he really hurt me, and honestly, I'm glad he's gone. I just don't know what to do at this point. I really and truly love him. He's a wonderful person, a great dad who ADORES chickadee, but he just can't see how his actions affect us, affect our relationship. It's been this way ever since we moved here, 2 years ago. I'm just really at a loss right now.
Anyway, here's my cool new earring. The picture rocks, doesn't it? I took it myself, surprise surprise. I love the double chin, and I'm wearing my glasses because my contacts are all gunky from crying. Mmm. Anyway, it's the rook, or the top earring. The other I've had for years. This new one? It really hurt.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Has anyone watched that new show, Notes From the Underbelly? I really enjoyed it, although my husband never acted like hers.
I got a call today from a local scrapbook store, with a message to call them back. I was hoping that they needed someone part time to work, as I've talked to the owner about that possibility, since she brings her little girl to work. So I call back. I WON! I don't even remember entering any contests, but I won a free 36 hour crop in the next large town next weekend. Woohoo! How cool is that? So I've been frantically arranging things so that I can go. I've never won anything ever. My dad was supposed to come out that weekend and help hubby with the basement, as hubby has the weekend off, so I talked to my dad to tell him what's going on and he's cool with whatever. I think what I'll do is go Saturday morning, it's about a 50 minute drive, leave chickadee with hubby, then my dad will come out in the afternoon sometime and chickadee will go to my friend's house up the street until the evening. Then I'll come home at some point (hubby and dad aren't super close. They might want me there to intervene) Saturday evening. My dad had even talked at one point about watching chickadee so hubby and I could go on a date, but I'm not too concerned about that. I'd rather scrapbook!
The interview at the daycare center was this morning. All I can really say? Wow. I pull up to this adorable old tiny house in this tiny town about 12 miles from us. Go in and meet the lady and she shows me around. The first thing I notice is how clean everything is. All the toys are put away even though there's a 3 year old and a 2 year old. Come to find out, this lady is like super nazi. She was really nice, but very strict. Stay on the carpet, off of the tile. Put that chair down. Don't touch that. Etc. Etc. And the kids listened. I was rather impressed, although it seemed a tad nitpicky to me. So we talk, look at the schedule, go through the pay rate, turns out that I would have to pay for Chickadee to go to this daycare, as it's staterun. So take that out of the $6 an hour, and that would leave me making about $4.33 an hour. And I was still willing to do it! The money would add up and help, chickadee could interact with other kids, and I could get out a few hours a week. I keep watching as this lady does her thing, trying to keep chickadee happy. She didn't get her morning nap, and it was almost lunch time so she was getting pretty cranky. Saw a high chair and kept trying to get in it and crying. The woman offered to feed chickadee lunch while I filled out the application, so I said sure, why not. She sat the 3 girls at the table, and the 2 regulars sat quietly with their hands in their laps. Chickadee? Not so much. Picking up her fork and her spoon, twisting around. She normally is strapped into a booster, not allowed to sit in a chair, so that was new for her. Then after they were allowed to start eating, chickadee ate all of her fruit, then threw her tortilla on the floor. It was some kind of ham and cheese wrap which was fine, but she doesn't eat big things like that. We still cut up her food into bite size pieces because she doesn't have all of her teeth and can't chew that well. She didn't know what to do with this thing so she does what she always does when she doesn't want it. Throws it on the floor. Well this really pissed the lady off, she grabbed chickadee and strapped her into a high chair. Chickadee of course gets really upset and starts screaming bloody murder, straining around and pointing to me, and I'm just standing there, not really sure what to do. Should I let this woman discipline my child? She'll have to learn if we'll be here everyday, but this seems a little intense. The woman tried to talk to Chickadee, but c was having none of it, just screaming and crying. We decided I should leave the room and see if Chickadee would calm down, so I went and stood in the living room. I think Chickadee calmed down somewhat, but you cannot reason with an 18 month old. It doesn't work. She kept hearing my voice since I was greeting people as they came in for the second shift, so after what seemed like forever I went back in and rescued my baby. She was crying so hard she was hiccuping, something I remember doing as a child, but she has never done before. Poor baby. Don't get me wrong, I discipline my child and she has limits, but come on! What 18 month is going to sit still with their hands in their laps? What 18 month old is going to clean up after themselves? This is stuff we can work on, but I'm not going to be too upset if it doesn't work. She's a BABY for fucks sake.
Oh, this woman also went to pour milk into cups and I told her Chickadee doesn't drink milk. Her response? If she ate here, she'd have to drink milk. Yeah, good luck lady. I've been trying to get her to drink milk since we stopped nursing, but she will not drink it. It's not that I don't WANT her to, she just won't and I can't force it down her throat. She also gave her a cup with a straw, and I said she uses sippy cups. Why? Because I don't want to constantly be mopping drinks off of my floor. She can use a straw, but they leak. I like sippy cups. The lady tells me that sippy cups delay speech development because it strengthens the front of their mouth and not the back. I'd never heard that line of bullshit before, although she said she researched it on the internet. When I got home I looked it up and the only thing I could find said that theory is a load of crap. So Chickadee will continue to use a sippy cup. She talks up a storm, saying more and more new words everyday. I think my doctor or parents as teachers lady or our nutritionist would have mentioned something, but I guess this lady from the sticks knew all. Okay, now that I write this I'm starting to get a little mad. So we decided it probably wouldn't work out, as chickadee wouldn't listen to this lady with me around, the pay sucked, etc. Long story short, I didn't get a job.